Tragedy and First Love

I was listening to a song on the radio tonight. It's one that I really like; we sing it often at church.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

(credit where credit is due: "Come, Though Fount of Every Blessing" Robert Robinson, 1758)

I got to thinking about the words. Prone to wander, prone to leave the God I love. For me, at least, it's so true. When you're around a lot of Christians, you'll often hear about "leaving your first love" or "getting back to your first love". Well, that's what it's about. We meet God, we fall madly in love. The burning desire to be with Him lasts a few months, maybe a couple of years, but then we fall into a routine. Just like with regular relationships.

I don't want to leave my first love. I want to be as close to God and as on fire for Him as ever. But how?

I remember back to 2009. I had a miscarriage and while in the ER, I found myself praying over and over and over. And singing praise songs to myself over and over for hours. Afterwards, I hungered for God like never before. This feeling was very strong for about 6 weeks. Then, while I had grown and matured in my faith, I still slipped back to the old routine.

And it dawned on me tonight that maybe the way to keep a burning desire for God is to always be going through tragedies. Perhaps this explains why, in the Bible, God seems to always have awful plans for his most faithful followers. Perhaps Paul went through trial after trial specifically to keep his faith very strong, to keep him close to his First Love.

I, of course, don't want to experience trials or tragedies any more than anyone else does. But if God can use them, then I somewhat understand their place in our lives. And I think I have a clearer vision of why Paul and other "heroes" of the Bible always seemed to have such rotten lives.

Things to ponder...

I am Lot

Yesterday we heard a great sermon at church based on Abram and Lot. The essential lesson was that Abram gave Lot the first choice of land, knowing that Lot would choose the very best land for his family and animals. Yet Abram trusted that God would take care of him no matter what, so Lot's choice of land (thereby leaving Abram the lesser plot of land) ultimately didn't matter.

Our pastor encouraged us to do the same in our daily lives. He called it a "you first" attitude. On the highway, let the other driver go first. In the grocery store, let someone with 2 items go in front of you. In your family, put your own desire aside to let your spouse "go first".

Some of my notes from the sermon:
-When we say "you first", we learn an amazing amount - humility and service to others
-"You first" is a clear marker of someone who knows & loves God, we reflect God
-Abram's faith was such that he was able to let Lot choose
-God said "you first" to us

Anyway, in all of this, I realized something.

I am Lot.

I tend to think of myself first. What is best for Heather is surely best for the rest of my family. "When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

At the grocery store, I consider letting someone in front of me, but then I think that we all have to wait in line. I've been waiting, so should they.

On the highway, I think that I have the same right to the road as they. If we all obey the rules, we'll all get home alive.

This was a big revelation for me, and kind of a painful one. I've been a Christian for over 20 years and this is the best I can do? Have I learned nothing?

Our pastor challenged us to live the next 7 days with a devoted "You first" attitude.

Okay, I'm going to do it. Starting today. When the alarm went off this morning, I said "You first" to Shannon and while he got up to shower, I went back to sleep. :)

A photo worth more than 20 words

Found this on Facebook. EXACTLY what this blog is all about! :)

Turn on the lights!

First thing this morning, my daughter woke up and wandered into the dark living room, turning on every light as she went. My first thought was exasperation, but I realized that I do it, too. I don't like the dark overmuch and I prefer to have most of the lights on. The brighter the better, I guess. Shannon's pretty much the same way. Our family likes the light. Dim rooms, not so much.

And of course, I thought of God. "Walk in the light." "Come to the light." "God is light." Etc and so forth. All platitudes aside, life really is better when we're fully embracing who God is and committed to living a life with Him. Not that bad things don't happen to us, but that we have His support. His shoulder to cry on, if you will. But I get away from my analogy.

Back to the light, so to speak.

I've lived all kinds of faiths. I've done the "I'm a good person and that needs to be good enough for God." But that's a pretty dim life, even though it seems light enough.

I've gone down the "God is a myth, the Bible is a fairytale" route. That's one dark path, at least it was for me. Not the best days of my life. Took a few years for me to see the correlation. No faith in God + life = lots of troubles

But the last 15 years since I dedicated my life to God? Generally happy and full of love and life. Yes, I am a walking cliche! But it's true. In that 15 years, I've gone through some very difficult times, including bankruptcy and a traumatic miscarriage, but when I can lean on God, when I can call out his name during the darkest moments, well, then I'm like a little child who has her mommy kiss her owies away. That simplifies it a bit. After all, life is full of pain. But they are so much more bearable with Someone Bigger to help you through it.

I'm rambling now so I'll close this blog post. I'm going to go turn on some more lights.

New habits start hard

For a few weeks I was doing really well, reading my Bible every day, or almost every day. Then illness struck. Ugh. I was sick for about 2 1/2 weeks and instead of getting up early to read in the quiet morning, I was sleeping in, trying to recoup sleep I'd lost during the night from being sick. I feel like the last 3 weeks have pretty much been a wash. But today I'm up and I read an interesting chapter of Ezekiel.

One phrase (not from Ezekiel) keeps popping up this week...God's mercies are new every morning. Thank goodness for that! Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be another new day. Every day we're given is a chance to live fully for God. So today I start over. Again. (Breathe deeply, God in, Heather out. Rinse and repeat.)

Lamentations 3:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Murphy

Our friend Murphy came up in conversation today. He was a man full of wisdom and he often shared it with us.

He once told us that he and his wife tried hard to be at peace in front of the kids. After all, if he or she had a bad day, then it would rub off on the other parent. Then they might take it out on their oldest, who would then take it out on the middle child, who would then take it out on the youngest. The youngest would just be miserable because he didn't have anyone to take it out on. So Murphy tried to skip all that by just having a good day to start with.

Wisdom, that.