Tragedy and First Love

I was listening to a song on the radio tonight. It's one that I really like; we sing it often at church.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

(credit where credit is due: "Come, Though Fount of Every Blessing" Robert Robinson, 1758)

I got to thinking about the words. Prone to wander, prone to leave the God I love. For me, at least, it's so true. When you're around a lot of Christians, you'll often hear about "leaving your first love" or "getting back to your first love". Well, that's what it's about. We meet God, we fall madly in love. The burning desire to be with Him lasts a few months, maybe a couple of years, but then we fall into a routine. Just like with regular relationships.

I don't want to leave my first love. I want to be as close to God and as on fire for Him as ever. But how?

I remember back to 2009. I had a miscarriage and while in the ER, I found myself praying over and over and over. And singing praise songs to myself over and over for hours. Afterwards, I hungered for God like never before. This feeling was very strong for about 6 weeks. Then, while I had grown and matured in my faith, I still slipped back to the old routine.

And it dawned on me tonight that maybe the way to keep a burning desire for God is to always be going through tragedies. Perhaps this explains why, in the Bible, God seems to always have awful plans for his most faithful followers. Perhaps Paul went through trial after trial specifically to keep his faith very strong, to keep him close to his First Love.

I, of course, don't want to experience trials or tragedies any more than anyone else does. But if God can use them, then I somewhat understand their place in our lives. And I think I have a clearer vision of why Paul and other "heroes" of the Bible always seemed to have such rotten lives.

Things to ponder...

I am Lot

Yesterday we heard a great sermon at church based on Abram and Lot. The essential lesson was that Abram gave Lot the first choice of land, knowing that Lot would choose the very best land for his family and animals. Yet Abram trusted that God would take care of him no matter what, so Lot's choice of land (thereby leaving Abram the lesser plot of land) ultimately didn't matter.

Our pastor encouraged us to do the same in our daily lives. He called it a "you first" attitude. On the highway, let the other driver go first. In the grocery store, let someone with 2 items go in front of you. In your family, put your own desire aside to let your spouse "go first".

Some of my notes from the sermon:
-When we say "you first", we learn an amazing amount - humility and service to others
-"You first" is a clear marker of someone who knows & loves God, we reflect God
-Abram's faith was such that he was able to let Lot choose
-God said "you first" to us

Anyway, in all of this, I realized something.

I am Lot.

I tend to think of myself first. What is best for Heather is surely best for the rest of my family. "When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

At the grocery store, I consider letting someone in front of me, but then I think that we all have to wait in line. I've been waiting, so should they.

On the highway, I think that I have the same right to the road as they. If we all obey the rules, we'll all get home alive.

This was a big revelation for me, and kind of a painful one. I've been a Christian for over 20 years and this is the best I can do? Have I learned nothing?

Our pastor challenged us to live the next 7 days with a devoted "You first" attitude.

Okay, I'm going to do it. Starting today. When the alarm went off this morning, I said "You first" to Shannon and while he got up to shower, I went back to sleep. :)

A photo worth more than 20 words

Found this on Facebook. EXACTLY what this blog is all about! :)

Turn on the lights!

First thing this morning, my daughter woke up and wandered into the dark living room, turning on every light as she went. My first thought was exasperation, but I realized that I do it, too. I don't like the dark overmuch and I prefer to have most of the lights on. The brighter the better, I guess. Shannon's pretty much the same way. Our family likes the light. Dim rooms, not so much.

And of course, I thought of God. "Walk in the light." "Come to the light." "God is light." Etc and so forth. All platitudes aside, life really is better when we're fully embracing who God is and committed to living a life with Him. Not that bad things don't happen to us, but that we have His support. His shoulder to cry on, if you will. But I get away from my analogy.

Back to the light, so to speak.

I've lived all kinds of faiths. I've done the "I'm a good person and that needs to be good enough for God." But that's a pretty dim life, even though it seems light enough.

I've gone down the "God is a myth, the Bible is a fairytale" route. That's one dark path, at least it was for me. Not the best days of my life. Took a few years for me to see the correlation. No faith in God + life = lots of troubles

But the last 15 years since I dedicated my life to God? Generally happy and full of love and life. Yes, I am a walking cliche! But it's true. In that 15 years, I've gone through some very difficult times, including bankruptcy and a traumatic miscarriage, but when I can lean on God, when I can call out his name during the darkest moments, well, then I'm like a little child who has her mommy kiss her owies away. That simplifies it a bit. After all, life is full of pain. But they are so much more bearable with Someone Bigger to help you through it.

I'm rambling now so I'll close this blog post. I'm going to go turn on some more lights.

New habits start hard

For a few weeks I was doing really well, reading my Bible every day, or almost every day. Then illness struck. Ugh. I was sick for about 2 1/2 weeks and instead of getting up early to read in the quiet morning, I was sleeping in, trying to recoup sleep I'd lost during the night from being sick. I feel like the last 3 weeks have pretty much been a wash. But today I'm up and I read an interesting chapter of Ezekiel.

One phrase (not from Ezekiel) keeps popping up this week...God's mercies are new every morning. Thank goodness for that! Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be another new day. Every day we're given is a chance to live fully for God. So today I start over. Again. (Breathe deeply, God in, Heather out. Rinse and repeat.)

Lamentations 3:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Murphy

Our friend Murphy came up in conversation today. He was a man full of wisdom and he often shared it with us.

He once told us that he and his wife tried hard to be at peace in front of the kids. After all, if he or she had a bad day, then it would rub off on the other parent. Then they might take it out on their oldest, who would then take it out on the middle child, who would then take it out on the youngest. The youngest would just be miserable because he didn't have anyone to take it out on. So Murphy tried to skip all that by just having a good day to start with.

Wisdom, that.

Refuge

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge...
Psalm 91:4

Like a Child - the other side

My kids inspire me in lots of ways.

Today I indulged in a pop tart for breakfast. My son, of course, loves to have a bite or two of such a treat. But today, after slicing off the perfect piece, cooling it down, then handing it to him, he protested. He threw the piece back onto the table with a grunt.

What on earth? I hand him a perfect, succulent treat and he complains about it? Too small, too hot, too big? What could possibly be wrong with such a gift? I mean, come on, it's a pop tart.

And then I realize...in many ways, I am my son. God presents to me a perfect gift and I find something to complain about. Do I even recognize the gift? The love with which it's given?

Today I just want to say Thank You. Thank you for my warm home, thank you for my healthy children, thank you for my husband. Thank you, Lord, for friends. Thank you for two cars that are paid for and run properly. Thank you for soil to grow a garden and for money to buy the things I can't grow. Thank you for the ability to earn a living, for the chance to play on the floor with my children. Thank you, Lord, for all the gifts you give...those I don't recognize, those I don't appreciate, and those I don't always want.

Thank you for letting me learn so much from my kids.

Like a Child

I am certain that God intended for most of us to become parents. After all, how much of the Bible is so much more understandable, so much more relevant, after becoming a parent?

Today (as she often does) my daughter shocked me. She's 6 years old and has an amazing view of the world.

My husband was quizzing her on reading words. She reads the word, then uses it in a sentence. They make a game out of it and she has fun using her imagination. Today her new word was this. "This is powerful!" Powerful...a word she easily uses.

Tell her that her outfit doesn't match and she'll tell you that it doesn't matter what she looks like, she's beautiful on the inside. Her self-esteem is solid and real.

Ask her if God exists and she'll look at you like you're crazy. Of course he exists. Her faith is simple and steadfast.

God tells us to enter the kingdom of Heaven like little children (Luke 18:17). I think my daughter portrays exactly what he means.

God wants us to be confident.
God wants us to be secure in who we are.
God wants us to have a faith that does not waver.

I want to grow up to be just like my 6 year old.


.

smlasP

I've been reading my Bible daily now for a little over 2 weeks. Why? Well, it goes like this: I'm a grumpy old grouch if I don't keep in close touch with Jesus. I tend to have a poor attitude that infects everyone around me. So much fun, yes? Perhaps I exaggerate a bit, but my days do go much better if I spend time daily with Him. Years ago, I had a habit of reading a bit every day and I did that for several years. But life eventually intervened and I lost the habit. I want to know the joy I had before.

Anyway, the first few days I randomly opened my Bible and read whatever was in front of me. I quickly settled into Psalms. But not the beginning or the middle, oh no. I started at the end.

And I highly recommend it.

Having a bad day? Things not going well? Start at Psalms 149 and work your way backwards. Not literally backwards because that doesn't make much sense and definitely won't bring you peace or joy. But read 149. Then 148. So forth.

King David wrote most of Psalms but he wasn't always happy or cheerful when he wrote them. Sometimes he's angry, sometimes he's brokenhearted. That's not always what you need when you're having your own bad day. But by the end, David is joyful, thankful, and full of praise. Just what the doctor ordered!

So go ahead, start at the end. It's okay.

Becoming who?

I wish I could say that I followed my own blog posts and had a perfect week. I wish I could say that after two weeks of reading my Bible daily, I'm now well on my way to Becoming Myself.

But I can't say those things.

On Wednesday I forgot altogether about trusting God and instead had a terrible day. I even cried. (I never cry.)

On Thursday I yelled at my daughter and had to ask her forgiveness.

On Saturday I yelled at my husband and I had to ask his forgiveness.

On Sunday, I sat in church again and remembered my idea to breathe God in and breathe Heather out. I took deep breaths and wondered why it's so hard to remember those things when your day isn't going well. When the house is a mess and the kids are chaotic and you're not speaking to your husband.

So I'll try again. This week I will breathe deeply of God's grace, peace, and mercy. I will exhale stress and worry. I will sing a new song. I will!

Sing a new song

My daughter has a litany that goes something like this. "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mama!" For some reason she thinks I have poor hearing. After a long day of this, I sometimes beg her to stop calling me Mom or Mama. "Call me something new. Call me anything, how about Ralph?"

My son is only a year old. The first few months were really rough with all-day crying due to colic and poor sleep at night. And to top it off, he hated car rides. He'd scream from the moment he went into his car seat to the moment he came out, even if there was an hour in between. All of us would get sick of hearing it. Shannon would say "Colby, find something new to say." Or Camille would say "Colby, sing a new song, we've heard this one already!"

Today I was reading in Psalms 149. The words hit me like a ton of bricks "Praise the Lord. Sing to the Lord a new song..." (Ps 149:1)

Do you suppose God gets tired of hearing my litany?

"God, help me through this day."
"God, help our finances."
"God, make Colby sleep tonight."

Praise the Lord. Sing to him a new song. Today I will look for ways to sing a new song. And I will praise him!

Breath of Life

My mind was wandering during church this morning and the Breath of Life came into my thoughts.

Hmmm...Breath of Life

Breathe in, breathe out.

God in, Heather out.

With every breath I take, I can remember God and what He does for me. Breathe in His Spirit, His peace, His wisdom, His mercy.

Breathe out worry, stress, impatience.

God in, Heather out. God in, Heather out.

Breathe deeply now.

Points reward system

Not too long ago, maybe 6 weeks, I had had it up to here with my daughter's messy habits. Her room was a mess, her clothes were everywhere, and it trailed out into the living room. We'd tried various ideas before and had them work for a few days, but then the mess was back to normal.

This time I sought advice from other moms and melded several ideas into one program. Now, each day before breakfast and dinner she has to tidy her room. I've expanded this to include her bathroom and the living room (just her things). Part of the deal is that I remind her once. Anything remaining on the floor after that goes to goodwill or is packed away. Separately from her room cleaning, I also implemented a points-based reward program. If she's especially generous with Colby, she gets a point. If she cleans up without being asked, she gets a point. The points are random and totally at our discretion. She can't ask for them. At a certain number of points, she gets a reward. So far, after 6 weeks, the program is working. Her room is clean, I'm not begging her to tidy up, and we're ALL much happier.

I'm thinking I need my own program.

I really want to be with God daily. I hunger for His word. Sometimes I go a week, maybe even a month, reading daily. But then it slips away and I'm back into the old ruts. Even though things go better when I'm seeking God daily. I'm a slow learner.

Perhaps if I had a program. "Read by breakfast or you don't eat." Or maybe, "No book reading until you've read some of The Book."

Tonight I finished my latest Kindle book and I decided to browse some Bibles in the Kindle store. I downloaded a few samples and read the first chapter of Genesis from each. It was fascinating to read the chapters back to back, but I realized that it was also the first time today that I've read any scripture.

I'm going to put together my own rewards program and we'll see how it goes. Hopefully I am as successful as my daughter. Then we'll ALL be much happier.

A Rembrandt...adding some class to this ol' blog

Another day

I've committed to reading my Bible each day, even if it's just one single verse. So far, so good. But life is already intervening. You know how it goes...last night was a rough night with Colby and I didn't get enough sleep. So instead of getting up before anyone else this morning, I was the third person awake. Thought about skipping my Bible time since I'd have distractions, but decided even one ...

*just had to stop the boy from eating raw eggshells out of the compost bin. ew*

...decided even one verse was worth it. Plus it's good for our kids to see me reading my Bible.

But then I realized my Bible is buried in the trunk after last night's Lifegroup. Excuses. I found another Bible (yep, too lazy to go get mine out of the trunk at 7 am!). Flipped open my Bible to something in Jeremiah. I think I read about 4 verses but they were good ones.

Now if I could just remember what they were about.

Making a life count

It could be argued that all lives count for something, no matter how short or how long.

Our friends Bill and Murphy made their lives count for God. Everyone could accept that, even if they weren't born-again believers. Bill and Murphy lived it fully, wholly, and daily.

A fire burns in me to live my life like that. To make each day count for God. To be a shining example of His love and mercy to others. To walk hand in hand with the Lord every moment of every day.

In memory of Bill and Murphy, I endeavor to live like they did. To become who God created me to be.

My first step is to be in the Word daily. This is so easy to do, yet rarely happens. Just a few verses. Just one verse. But to open my Bible each and every day and soak in a bit of God's wisdom.

Today I flipped open my Bible randomly. Obadiah 1. Well...that puts me firmly in my place!

Obadiah 1

¹ The vision of Obadiah.

This is what the Sovereign LORD says about Edom—

We have heard a message from the LORD:
An envoy was sent to the nations to say,
“Rise, let us go against her for battle”—

² “See, I will make you small among the nations;
you will be utterly despised.
³ The pride of your heart has deceived you,
you who live in the clefts of the rocks^[a]
and make your home on the heights,
you who say to yourself,
‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’
⁴ Though you soar like the eagle
and make your nest among the stars,
from there I will bring you down,”
declares the LORD.


Many would say this was written for Edom, not for Heather Hicks. But I feel it deeply and I think it's a verse from God for me today. I've been prideful without even knowing it. I want that pride to be broken so that I can be rebuilt.

That's probably gonna hurt.

The beginning...

I suppose the logical beginning was October 27, 1976 -- the day I was born.  Or perhaps 9 months earlier when I was conceived.

But really it began this summer. 

Two of our very dearest friends died.  Two friends who changed my life, my faith, and influenced my idea of serving God. 

The first was Bill Hawkins.  He died June 8, 2011 after a lengthy illness at 66 years old.  We first met Bill in 2001, the week we opened our bookstore.  Nearly every day after that for 5 years, he was there.  Always encouraging, always loving, and sometimes calling it like he saw it.  He'd shake his finger at us and in his gravelly voice (from too many cancer treatments on his throat) he'd say "You just gotta have faith, brother."  And he was always right.  Bill was a simple man with a simple faith.  He loved his Jesus and he showed it every day by serving others. 

The second was Murphy.  Murphy had a first name, but he didn't tell anyone what it was (though he did tell us and promised us to keep it secret).  He died August 27, 2011, at age 60.  I don't remember when exactly we met Murphy, but more I remember his presence.  He also came to our store almost every day and his presence quietly filled the room.  Murphy was a pastor and it showed, through and through.  He led a Bible study for very lost teenagers for several years at our store.  He was a rock, dependable in any situation.  Murphy memorized several books of the Bible, word for word, and would occasionally recite one if I begged. 

When Bill died, my facade began to crumble.  All the years of building up a wall of "I'm doing great. I have a strong faith."  All the years of believing that I was who God wanted me to be. 

With Murphy's death, the walls have collapsed.  I am no longer who I was, but I'm not who God created me to be, either. 

And that's what this blog is about.  Today, I recommit my life to Christ and day by day, I want to step into the skin God created for me.